Try Being a Guide, You…

Yes. This is the stream of profane consciousness that changed my life.

It was originally posted to the Erollissi Marr EZboard, in the springtime of the year 2000, after I’d had a few beers, which I consumed after I worked an eight hour shift as a guide, which I pulled after a regular eight hour workday. And despite having been writing for publication for years, it was the first time I got live feedback for something I’d written. Oh, feedback, you are like delicious creamy heroin to me.

I got mail from CSRs in gaming, outside of gaming, and from around the world. It got me thrown out of my volunteer CSR job. It got me my first paid job in gaming. It led to dozens of writing gigs. It made me friends that I’ve kept to this day. Objectively, it kind of sucks, as writing goes. And now it’s got nostalgia stuck to its fur. But who cares! It was my first rant.

Two notes: First, I chose “Tweety” as my pen name because my grandfather called me his little Tweety Bird. I thought I’d post that one time and never use the ID again, so I didn’t care about making it cool. Note to self: /slap. Second, if you didn’t play EQ? This rant is totally not funny.

Try Being A Guide, You Nutless Assmuncher
Tweety’s first rant

Here’s some background – I’ve been a guide since March. I took a month off in protest of some seriously fucked up guide policies, and a total lack of communciation between VI and their customer service staff. I came back to discover Verant got their shit together, and now it’s the players that suck. Some of you assholes are up way past your bedtime.

Get a clue, pissants – Neither I, nor anyone else breathing actually gives a shit about how so and so stole your orc. Furthermore, no one cares that you lost the roll for whatever piece of crap weapon, because guess what? In five levels that piece of trash will be on your fourth twink and you’ll be complaining about some other l33t weapon. (Note to a_pissant00: DO you know how retarded you sound petitioning over how you were ripped off AFTER YOU ROLLED FOR IT AND LOST? What the fuck do you think I’m going to do? That’s right, genius, I’m going to ask your group TO ROLL FOR THE ITEM. If you already rolled, I’m not going to do anything but ROLL my eyes and curse the malformed sperm that somehow beat out all the healthy ones and created you in some horrible genetic accident.)

Next, the guide rezz. NOBODY over level 20 should be confused or surprised by the incredibly limited powers a guide has. I can rezz you if 1) You zoned into lava, 2) Died due to Verant crashing (not you and your dial up, VERANT), and 3) Died to a confirmed bug. Otherwise, I can’t do it. I would love to, but I can’t. I have died to plenty of un-confirmed bugs myself, I know it sucks, and I still can’t do it. It’s not all about you and how I hate you because you aren’t in an uber guild. Guess what, moron? I DON’T PLAY ON YOUR SERVER. I do not know, nor do I give two shits about the status of the guilds on your server. >Elite Cockjockeys< and >: Lords of Jizz< means exactly the same to me – NOTHING. I rezz every single person I can, because I know exactly how much losing a week’s worth of work to something not my fault sucks. If I don’t rezz you, it isn’t personal. So shut the fuck up about how I would have done it if you were a member of >Dancing Dickbeaters<.

Let’s move on to sending tells to a guide. I logged in tonight to find myself the only guide with count ’em FORTY petitions waiting to be answered. Sorry, Mr. I can’t find my super twinked body and I’m only level 2 and a forty minute walk to my corpse. Not only do people like you disgust me on general principles, but the guy who’s been waiting for three hours stuck on a gate in Permafrost TAKES PRIORITY OVER YOU. Read the rules, dipshit. I take calls by petition, not by your sad sack tell of woe. And cussing at me, screaming at me, and telling me what a rotten person I am makes me accidentally camp out when I finally clear the monster backup and get to your whiny ass. Don’t send me tells, assholes. The ten minutes I end up wasting asking you nicely to send a petition (or if you sent one, the twenty minutes I spend telling you it’s not your turn yet) means that much longer of a wait.

Play nice policies. My personal feelings aside (lay off the wacky weed, Verant), I get to enforce it. Do you know how much I hate you at the end of a long shift? What kind of asshole thinks the king room in Lower Guk can be shared by TWO GROUPS OF 12? Conversely, what kind of screaming cocksucker thinks it’s okay to camp the king room for 36 hours? I think you both suck. The only people lamer than you are the ones that PNP over derv camps in North Ro and then act surprised when I send one group to the DESERTED derv camp a 30 second walk away.

Boats. Hey, Einstein, before you petition me that the boats are broken, do an /ooc and find out when the boat left. If it was two minutes ago, IT’S NOT HERE YET.

Quests. All I have to say to you phat lewt motherfuckers who have wrecked every quest I’ve been involved in is grow up, shut up, go back to Quake or whatever blow shit up video game you came from, and get the fuck away from the quest area. It’s your ten bucks, go somewhere and kill stuff. Why the hell do you feel compelled to ruin the once every blue moon event we have for the seven people (who ALSO pay the ten bucks) who actually want to role play?

Illiterate people. I am NOT talking about the English as a second language kids. I go through those slowly and calmly, and more than once I’ve resorted to typing /ooc Anyone in this zone speak BOTH Japanese and English? By illiterate, I mean you fucking cretins who send me petitions that read “Ur gona get my coprse rezzed, plz.” What the hell am I, psychic? How did you die, where did you die, and so on is stuff I need. If you tell me in a format I can comprehend without calling over my twelve year old neighbor, I will send you a tell that says, “Hang on, let me check out your corpse. Yep, you died to that bug all right. Here’s your rezz. Good luck, friend.” Your fucking cryptic petitions mean ten minutes of agonizingly rotten typing and stupidity that have me wondering where the hell I left my universal translator. Plus, any petition I get in dewdspeak automatically biases me against you. Why? Because it’s the d00ds that are usually trying to snow me, and get something for nothing (like a free rez for a death caused by jumping off a wizard spire with 150 HP), and who feel entitled to absolutely everything.

The only thing more annoying than dewd petitions are the ones that say “Hurp.” When I finally discover that “Hurp” means you were duelling someone named Hurp who promised not to use magic in a duel, and it turned out he had a 49th level cleric HP buff up, and you want me to use the broadcast command to tell the world what a cheater he is, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE.

Scumbags. I may not know who the uberguilds are, but I sure as hell know who the scumbags are. You’re the one who caused a dozen petitions because you were spamming the zone with “So and so is a faggot.” You’re the one who trained all the bouncers to the CT entrance just to fuck with the kids inside trying to escape the lizard train your twin brother created on purpose. You’re the one who backed a female wood elf character into a corner, calling her names and sending her foul tells. You’re the one who tricked the player with poor English skills into believing a trading a GLS for a whatever-piece-of-shit was a good trade because you were giving him a lore item. I know you. Don’t get all fucking bent because I told the GM not to change your name and let you duck your reputation. Don’t be shocked that I never rule in your favor in PNP situations. And don’t waste your time crying to another guide about how I hate you, because there are only six guides on the entire server who show up for work, and we talk.

Speaking of the aforementioned female wood elf and other forms of sexual harassment – there are two sides to this one as well. It happens. It happens a lot. Unsolicited tells, really truly disgusting emotes, and situations in which one lonely knob beater chases a female avatar from West Freeport to Emerald Jungle – it HAPPENS. You people sicken me. That said, I have very little sympathy for the person behind a character named Likkmebrestesses who types /em wants to have some fun with the brawny barbarian! and then complains when said barbarian asks if she’d like to go cyber in the hidden inn. Or my favorite, the gnomes who petition when someone says “You’re the perfect height… for a b…. eer.” Get a sense of humor already. You make it harder for people actually being harassed.

If my little hissy fit keeps ONE SINGLE IDIOT from sending a petition because he’s going to get laughed at, I did something good today. I sure as hell feel better.



  1. August 14, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    […] soon to be ex-Guide Tweety (and soon after to be DAoC community manager) posted her infamous “Nutless Assmuncher” […]

  2. January 4, 2016 at 8:04 am

    […] good, the bad and the ugly. The P1999 staff need to realize that player activism and even Guides complaining is all part of the classic EQ […]

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